NYC's Exclusive Nightlife!!!!

Is FUCKING OFFENSIVE. I'm sorry. I'm a cute ass bitch. The bitches I chill with are cute ass bitches. Isn't the point of having an exclusive night club that you only have to let in cute ass bitches? Apparently not!

Okay, I'll admit to the fact that the places we tried to get into last night were very exclusive, and we def didn't have tickets or connections or the tainted reputations of Mischa Barton's gonorrheafied cellulite, but we are HOT! And, if nothing else:

Last night, I was working a fucking FIERCE side-boob.

I know you see and hear about examples of side-boob and you're like, yeah, whatever. But let me tell you, my side-boob was fucking IN YOUR FACE. You could see EVERYTHING! The line where the boob ends and the rib cage begins, the faint blue veins that means you're gonna be a great mom (trust me, that's what that means) basically everything but the nips. And I might have brought those out too, had I been let into the goddamn Boom Boom Room!

But fuck the Standard. No one wants to be in there anyway. The real party was in the cab on my way home. It was a pretty exclusive party. The only people invited were me, the cab driver and my giant falafel-stuffed pita pocket.

I believe that the word 'falafel' was invented because the first person who ever ate it had his mouth full and was trying to warn his friends by saying, "My farts smell awful!" But with his mouth full, he could only say, "Fart awful!" which sounded like, "FALAFEL!!!!!!!!!" His friends said, "OH, falafel?? That's what it's called!" And in that instant, they became heroes and invented a word for the drunk world's most popular food!

Unfortunately, those heroes died almost instantly, because falafel farts are literally toxic. So for the sake of humanity, please eat falafel alone!