It's Monday As FUCK Right Now

I was born today. Don't worry about what year, just know that I'm still young and vibrant as shit. I know everyone in the world is probably still slungover from new years, so I won't take up much of your time. As a tribute to myself on my birthday, which is a very special day because I'm the only person in the world that has one, I have created a brief list of ten reasons why I am so awesome.


1.   I have been told by almost everyone I've ever met that I'm disgusting.
2.   I kind of look like a boy, but I still get shit tons of ass.
3.   I am Irish, which means my ancestors were raped by Vikings.
4.   My grandma was on a billboard for her assisted living home wearing a velour tracksuit (which really is more of a reason why SHE was awesome).
5.   I'm really good with kids, but I'm not a pedophile.
6.   I once met a very famous comedian at a bar in New York and, after a short conversation, asked him why he wasn't funny in real life.
7.   The only reason I started wearing a bra was because some girl told me I should.
8.   Same thing with shaving my legs. Different girl, though.
9.   When I was little, my dad was doing yard work outside and asked me for some juice. I brought him Metamucil.
10. Nobody knows this, but I'm actually really, really nice.


Thanks for all the birthday wishes, faithful readers(nobody)!