Things You Should Know

Spaghetti is the best food in the world but you look disgusting eating it. Only eat spaghetti alone.

You're not cute when you're drunk. You only think you are.

When your mom makes a sex joke, you can say, "Mom! Gross!" When your dad makes a sex joke, leave the room. Now.

Make great friends and then never hang out with them. That way, they'll never figure out that they actually hate you.

On a first date, you should ONLY eat Indian food, Mexican food or fast food. That way, you'll definitely get diarrhea and have to leave suddenly and that way, you won't have sex with him and he won't think you're a slut.

If you actually take that advice to avoid having sex on the first date, then you are definitely a slut and he will find out and break up with your slut face.

Never buy clothes that you "hope" to fit into someday. You never will. You're fat.

Never give people flowers. Then they have to waste their time filling a vase with water and putting them in it and when they die (the flowers, not the person, idiot) they have to deal with them which is even more fucking annoying because the flowers get all dry and crumble all over the place and the person has to deal with that too. Basically, if you give someone flowers, you're really just giving them future chores and that person will forever think of you as fucking annoying.

Cats are better than dogs so shut the fuck up.

'Don't ask, don't tell' makes no fucking sense. War is the gayest thing ever and if you go to war you're gay.

Milkshakes are the best. The aftermath is the worst.

If you're still pissed about the Holocaust and you weren't even there, shut the fuck up.

On that note, I'm going to get a milkshake. Goodbye.