It's One of Those Days

Today is a beautiful day. But it's tainted with pain! This is the kind of day when you stare out your glorious window and the sun is shining and everything is covered with rainbows and leprechaun beards and unicorn sharts, but at the same time you're listening to Evanescence and cutting yourself.

Summer in California is over and I just got here. Everyone is gone! Obviously none of my friends like me. Except one of my friends but she decided to get gum surgery and now she's messed up on horse tranquilizers. Well, friends, I fucking hate all of you too. So I'm going to make another list. This one is a list of ways you can tell if your friends are trying to give you the "STOP FUCKING COMING TO OUR PARTIES, BITCH" nudge. If you've ever been in any of these situations, stop fucking going to their parties, bitch.

-You say to a friend, "Hey dude, where's the party at tonight?" and your friend responds by stabbing himself in the throat and yelling, "THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!"

-You offer to be the designated driver, and your friends all laugh and said they'd rather get a DUI than hang out in a car with you.

-You and your friends are having a bonfire at the beach and as you're roasting your marshmallows, your whole body goes up in flames. As you scream for help, your friends laugh and squirt lighter fluid all over you. Once they finish watching you burn and you're finally dead, they roast weenies over your charred, flaming corpse.

-Your friends throw a party for you and as you walk into the room they shoot you in the face.

-If one of your friends is the first to pass out at a party, everyone writes on his or her face. If you pass out, they put you in a crate, nail it shut and throw it in the ocean.

-You see your friend at the grocery store and say, "Hey, dude! How's it going?" and he begins to vomit uncontrollably.

-Your dad grounded you right before prom. He was voted prom king.

-On Halloween, you dressed up as Ron Weasley. Your friends dressed up as you being raped.

Basically just get the hint. Stay the fuck inside and eat some cookie dough.