Am I An Asshole?

That question isn't for me. I already know I'm not an asshole. I'm the best bitch in the world. That question is for you, because you might not be as confident in your unassholeness as I am. I've compiled a list of things I believe make a person a severe asshole. If any of the following bitch traits pertain to you, then congratulations. Go fuck yourself.

You have worn a Juicy sweatsuit that was all the same color.

You have worn a Juicy sweatsuit.

You roll your Uggs down so the sheep side shows.

You wore Uggs with your Juicy sweatsuit.

You have a truck.

There is a flag on your truck.

Your truck has wheels as high as my tits.

You tried to have sex with me in the back of it.

Someone makes a joke and then you repeat it because it's just as funny when you say it.

You have the remote and you're supposed to fast forward through the commercials, but you keep seeing ones you like and stopping it and forcing everyone to watch them. If you like commercials, you're just an asshole. Straight up.

You graduated from high school over two years ago and you still go say hi to your old teachers when you're in town. THEY DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER YOU.

You think it's cute when you look stupid. It's not. You're stupid.

You have bangs. Nobody looks good with bangs. You don't have "a great face for bangs".

Then again, if you're an asshole, I guess you automatically have a great face for bangs.

You're a girl and you wear a hat.

You're a boy and you wear a hat that isn't a baseball cap.

You're under 50 and you have a moustache.

You have any kind of facial hair that isn't considered "normal". I don't even know you and I know you look horrible.

Your hair is currently blonde and you weren't born blonde. If you weren't born a blonde then stay the fuck away from blonde hair.

Same goes with red hair.

You read books on public transportation. I know you're not actually reading. Fuck you.

Your glasses have round frames. Give me a fucking break.

Do I really have to mention fixed gear bikes?

Yeah. I do. If you ride one, you might as well kill yourself now. Or a car will kill you. Or I will kill you.

You're a boy and you wear tank tops.

You're a boy and you wear shorts above the knee.

You're a boy and you wear Toms.

You're a boy and you wear these.

You wear suits with Converse. That wasn't even cool when it was cool.

You wear black nail polish.

You cry in public, then when someone asks you if you're okay, you pretend you didn't realize anyone noticed and say, "Oh, sorry, no, no, I'm fine. Thanks." Then you try to stop crying and act strong. Go fuck yourself. Strong people don't cry in public.

I can't do this anymore. I suddenly want to kill everyone I know.