Are You Fucking Joking Me?

Last night was literally the worst night of my life! Which means it was the worst night of YOUR life because you fucking love me and live your weird lives vicariously through me. I'll give you the rundown:

First, I can't use the water in my house. Remember those hot mexicans I told you about? Well, they're not fucking here to hang out with me. They are actually real plumbers and they're doing real plumber shit on the decrepit pipes of my home. Awful.

Second, these sexy plumbers dug a hole in the wall of my basement. I guess because they thought the raccoons would crawl in and plumb the pipes for them. Raccoons are known to be excellent plumbers. Don't believe me? Stick a raccoon in your toilet. See what happens. I'm not making any promises, but something will definitely happen.

So I'm already fucking annoyed that I can't partake in any kind of waterplay, and then my fucking cat decided to craw out the raccoon hole and prance around the neighborhood like this. I ran all over the neighborhood looking for her to no avail. I thought MAAAAAAAAAAAYBE she came home so she could watch me come in looking sad and laugh at me like the spiteful cat bitch she is. And she was.

Bitch!!!

But (and this is the worst part) when I realized she was missing and ran out to find her, I had fucking oil in a pan on the stove. I came home to find the most horrifying fireworks show I've ever seen taking place right in my kitchen.

I literally felt like Larry David in EVERY FUCKING EPISODE OF CURB.

Basically, nothing good happened last night. I'm over it. Well, actually, that's not fair. There was one good thing. During the oil fireworks, a drop of oil landed on an asshole wasp that had probably come in through the raccoon hole. While I was cleaning the mess in my beloved parents kitchen, I was happy to stumble upon the charred corpse of an evil wasp. Fucking asshole.