LET'S DO THIS

I can't even remember the last time I posted. My apologies to my faithful reader, Nobody. Love you man.

Anyway, I'm going to change that and officially make my last blog post RIGHT NOW.

Yaaaayyy...!?

A lot of things are going on right now. The Olympics, presidential campaigning, I'm pretty sure the Iraq war is still happening, and last but not least, I had a dream last night that all my fingernails came off.

Let's talk about all of these things!

THE OLYMPICS:

Shove it up your ass. If my parents had forced me to do gymnastics immediately after falling out of my mom, I'd be really fucking good at it too. But they didn't, and I got to grow up to have a cool body that normal people are supposed to have. Go me!

THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:

If Mitt Romney becomes the president of the United States, this is what I will do...

First, I will buy a lot of guns, because that's what Mitt would want. Seriously. OoohhhfuckI'mgoingintoatangentttaaahhhh-

Think about it. If every single person in that movie theater had a gun, NOTHING BAD WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

One person having a gun is bad, because they might kill somebody. But if EVERYONE has a gun, then everyone will obviously just kill that person before that person kills anyone.

IT MAKES SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, after I buy all the guns, I will build a raft out of them and sail to England. If any sharks try to eat me while I'm rafting, I'll just shoot them! Lol.

Once I arrive in England, I will bitch slap the shit out of Prince William and Princess Kate. Or Dutch and Dutchess of...what, Sweden? Hungary? Hogwarts? Narnia? More like Douche and Douchess! I'm funny dammit and you WILL laugh at what I say, Nobody!

I want to bitch slap them very badly, mostly because they are so incredibly unimportant to me, and I am tired of seeing their bland, fat-free cream cheese on a stale bagel faces take up magazine covers that should belong to Angelina Jolie's matterhorn of a forehead and the glamorous gems of Teen Mom. This is AMERICA. Don't subject me to the Royal Butterfaces of Britain. Do not want.

You know, speaking of important current events, let's talk about this Kristen Stewart and Roger Patterson bullshit.

First of all, there's no way those pictures are real. Like, I'm not even famous and I still wouldn't cheat on somebody in public. And I'm an idiot! You can't convince me that the most famous stoner in the world is THAT dumb of a bitch.

Plus, I kind of like her. I feel like if we ever hung out, she'd laugh at all my jokes. So that pretty much does it for me.

Plus (again) I seriously don't remember a single fucking scene from Twilight with Roger in it. That ain't good, is it? Granted, I wasn't really paying that much attention, because I kept saying hilarious things about how artistic the film was because it was so funny watching all the kids in the theater get so mad at me and I'm a terrible person. But yeah. When you costar in a movie that's only about you and one other person, if I don't remember you being in it, you pretty much suck.

Anyway, in conclusion, Mitt Romney is AMAZING and I totally hope he wins so that I can finally be positive that killing myself is a good idea.

THE WAR IN IRAQ:

Should be over. If it isn't. I think maybe it is. But the important thing is that it was a really good war with lots of really positive outcomes. Sheesh, conservatives have all the answers for everything!!!

Okay, that was bitchy. I'm sorry conservatives, but let me end this debate RIGHT NOW.

Look, I get it. Liberals don't have all the fucking answers either. We aren't perfect and we don't know how to fix all the horrible problems that the US has created for itself. But think about this:

Liberals generally want to do things that allow people to have rights and get on with their lives.

Conservatives generally want to do things that make people's lives super difficult for no reason.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. ARGUE WITH ME ON THAT. OH WAIT, YOU CAN'T BECAUSE I'M RIGHT. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Besides, sure Obama didn't rescue the US from being terrible (thanks GBush) but he didn't make it more terrible, which seems to be unavoidable for certain choughconservativerepublicanchough presidents.

OMG if I keep thinking about politics I'm going to get diarrhea. What was the other thing on my list?


Oh, right. My dream! I dreamed that all my fingernails fell off and I was genuinely unhappy about it.