Natural Selection

I've been thinking a lot about New York, recently. Surprisingly, it hasn't been causing my discharge to be full of razorblades. No, I have actually been thinking of New York...well, rather fondly.

Haha, I just realized that the word "fondly" is the same spelling as if the word "fondle" could be used as an adverb. Don't touch me wif dem fondly hands, Grandpa!!

Ah, yes. Well, maybe that doesn't make sense. But I'm still pretty, so you WILL listen to what I have to say.

ANYWAYZZZZZZZZZZ

I have been thinking about the fun times in New York. The careless, breezy days. Sun shining, birds chirping, and me. Just sitting in the warmth of it all, soaking in the poetry and-

Lolfuck , I am totally kidding.

LAWD, FUCK NEW YORK AND ALL HELL IT HATH WROUGHT UPON GOD'S CHERUBS.

New York is full of scum-sucking road whores (thanks, Janis) and no, it was not "too much" for me to live there and I was not "unhip" and "just didn't fit in".

Well, maybe I wasn't hip enough for NY. Maybe I didn't fit in. But guess what?

Not fitting into with the rest of the LATFH larpers only means that I am going to live past my twenties.

I think when Darwin came up with the idea for Natural Selection, he and his FWB Nostradamus were chuckling the shit out of their b-holes thinking about how much hipsters were going to suck in the future and they they would be naturally selected to rot in Rick Santorum's ass cavity for the rest of eternity.



And yes. I am a hipster. I know that.

But oops, now I can't be. Because I said that.

YAYLOOPHOLES!!

But you know who is a hipster?

This chick.


THAT FUCKING GUUYYY!!!


I'm gonna get that picture made into custom toilet paper. This guy's gonna wipe my butt with his face.


That's friendship.




I hate New York.

Good News, Nobody!

Well, I guess it's unfair of me to keep calling you nobody, since you've got to be at least one person (Mom). But anyway, I just found out something sweet.

I looked at the traffic to my blog, and it turns out that the google search that brings most of you here (after the title, of course) is:

"japanese vagina juice peeing moist".

Who would have thought??? This is better than being famous! I have achieved something I only ever dreamt of. People listen to me and know who I am simply because they're fucking around on Fandango, trying desperately to avoid "The Hungry Hungry Hippo Games", and "The One With James Franco's Brother" and realize they've got a strong hankerin' for some Japanese piss porn.

How many of you can say that?





Alright, I guess your column did have its raunchy times, Mom...