Ho. Ly. SHIT.
Yesterday was the best day of my life. No, it wasn't because everyone in Manhattan turned into pillars of salt (damn you, Lot's nameless wife, for giving me false hope!) It was because every single customer that came into my place of business was from fucking Vietnam. Those ladies know how to hustle a bitch!
Well, not really. I mean, they hustle their tits off, but it doesn't really do any good because everything they say is batshit insane. Example!
There was a sign in the front of the store that said, "All sale items an additional 30% off!" FABULOUS. But leave it to these bitches to read the sign as, "EVERYTHING FOR FREE, LOOT THIS SHIT LIKE THE VIKINGS YOU ARE!"
The Vietnamese Hustlers come in and grab pants and shirts from all over the place and then they come up to me and our conversation goes as follows:
VH: You give dis me I take fo free!
ME: Um, that's not even what the sale is...
VH: Okay, buy one get one free!
ME: No, ma'am. If it's already on sale, then it's 30% off-
VH: Okay, you do for me 70!
ME: Ma'am, it's 30-
VH: Okay, but this has hole! You do 50% off!
ME: Ma'am, that hole is for your arm-
VH: NO!!! BIG HOLE!! SEE???
ME: -it's called a sleeve-
VH: Okay, no problem, you do sale I take fo free.
Now, remember, everything the Vietnamese Hustler said is going to sound kind of like this. But not totally, because that guy is starting to whip up some Indian cab driver shit into that accent cake mix and it is not sounding super delicious. But that's the basic idea.
The reason I love these ladies is because they hustle and hustle and try to rip buttons off and get zippers stuck all in the name of a good bargain. But in the end, we never give in, and these bitches drop so much fucking money anyway it's like it never even mattered if it was on sale or not.
Keep shopping, ladies.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Having A Bad Day?
Sucks. But I'm not, so naturally I'm partaking in my favorite activity, laughing at stupid famous people. And now I'm going to try to answer this age-old question: "Why the FUCK do these people wear this shit!?" Here goes.
My only guess is that this bitch is the spokesperson for In N Out's new clothing line. Ronald McDonald has a new trick to rub his chicken nuggets.
Here's Christina Aguilera at an event to raise awareness about Vaginal Rabies, a new strain of rabies that causes vaginas to attack dicks. The dress she's wearing, besides being ugly as fuck, is made out of Trojan Battle Condoms, a new kind of condom which protects your dick from rabid vaginas.
One of my most favorite dumb whores, obviously on her way to a beach funeral.
She looks fine to me.
Here's Jennifer Love Hewitt bravely raising awareness for adults with severe brain damage. Something she does every single day. Because, according to this picture, she has it.
At first I thought this was a picture of the half digested chicken bone my cat threw up last night. But apparently it's Leann Rimes, seen here doing her best impression of a baby bald eagle that hatched out of its egg too soon and has a life of struggles, social banishment by other eagles and prosthetic wings to look forward to. Also, her face is ugly.
Actually, Bret Michaels looks pretty hot here.
Anyway, people are fucking idiots.
Just Got A Flu Shot
My fucking arm hurts!!! Anyway, I was just thinking about how bad I feel for people who have like, horrible sex things. I don't mean like, having a small dick. You can make up for that in other ways (just kidding, you can't). I mean like, if your vagina is fucking hideous. Or if your balls smell like a homeless guy's makeshift potty (his pants). That's just fucking terrible. And there's nothing you can do!
That's all.
That's all.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Serious Things
Seriously. I can go for days hating on all the good-for-nothing turds in this world and throwing around the fuck word like a cheerleader at a football sex party, but sometimes I like to be serious.
A lot of terrible things happen in this world. In fact, I'm just going to go ahead and say that 99% of everything that happens in this world is a terrible thing. 1% of the things are made up of pretty good shit that makes life worth living.
If you think about it, life is really just one big endurance test. Each day is just another brick in the wall of shit that God has created for us all. And when we finally get to the end of the road, we find that it's really just a circle jerk of ancient fucks sitting in their wheelchairs cackling about who made it through and who pussied out along the way.
I know that doesn't sound like the most exciting place to end up, but it is what it is. I just hope that everyone who reads my blog (mom) will remember that it's okay to have moments where you fucking hate life. Because life is literally the worst thing in the world. Now that you know this, you can just look forward to that 1% of sweetness that helps you keep your shit together.
Now get that smile back on your face and go listen to some Radiohead and keep telling yourself that their new album isn't absolute horse shit.
A lot of terrible things happen in this world. In fact, I'm just going to go ahead and say that 99% of everything that happens in this world is a terrible thing. 1% of the things are made up of pretty good shit that makes life worth living.
If you think about it, life is really just one big endurance test. Each day is just another brick in the wall of shit that God has created for us all. And when we finally get to the end of the road, we find that it's really just a circle jerk of ancient fucks sitting in their wheelchairs cackling about who made it through and who pussied out along the way.
I know that doesn't sound like the most exciting place to end up, but it is what it is. I just hope that everyone who reads my blog (mom) will remember that it's okay to have moments where you fucking hate life. Because life is literally the worst thing in the world. Now that you know this, you can just look forward to that 1% of sweetness that helps you keep your shit together.
Now get that smile back on your face and go listen to some Radiohead and keep telling yourself that their new album isn't absolute horse shit.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Where the FUCK Is My iPod Charger?!
So annoying.
Anyway, I've been pretty hard on NYC for a while, and there are definitely a lot of other things that I hate just as much, so I'd like to talk about some of them.
One of my roommates is freaking out because there's a raccoon on the porch. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Raccoons are fucking everywhere. OH MY GOD he just fucking knocked on my door to tell me about it. Shut the fuck up. Oh my GOD he's still talking about it to everyone else! I hate him.
I hate foreign people that speak English but pretend they don't. I fucking know you do...
I hate people that hate cats. There is no fucking reason to hate cats. Unless you're a big stupid cat-hating fuck. Cats know you hate them and they can see ghosts and don't think they can't ask the ghosts to fuck with you. They can, and you're about to get fucked with by ghosts. Cats are not only the greatest pets ever, but they are also fucking Satanic freaks and they'll fucking kill you.
I hate people that took a foreign language in high school, and list it in their Facebooks as one of the languages they speak. You fucking suck at that language and you probably suck at English so shut the fuck up.
I fucking hate Hummers and if you drive one your soul is a swamp full of burning hags that also drive Hummers. This means that the souls of those hags are also swamps full of burning hags who have the same kinds of souls. Get it? Your fucking soul is an infinite swamp of burning hags that goes on and on forever so basically you are fucking terrible.
I hate it when you're doing laundry and your dad comes in and he's like, "What the fuck are you doing here!??! Go away!!!" and then you have to leave and your laundry is still in the fucking washing machine.
I hate it when you're hungry as fuck but not eating is so in right now so you can't eat.
I hate it when people with hideous makeup offer to do your make up and you so badly want to say, "If I wanted to look like a teen mom stripper working the graveyard shift at Sizzler I would just ask a person who actually is all of those things to do it for me." But that would be "mean" so you just say, "Omg makeup looks so bad on me lol you don't have to." And then you have to laugh and smile and pretend that you don't actually want to punch this bitch so hard that the frozen shrimps at Sizzler fall out of their shells.
I'm all out of hate at the moment (jk, I'm just bored of doing this) so I'm going to go watch Patti Stanger fuck the souls out of Jews and gay people. She probably hates black people too but I don't think I'm allowed to say "black people" on the internet.
Anyway, I've been pretty hard on NYC for a while, and there are definitely a lot of other things that I hate just as much, so I'd like to talk about some of them.
One of my roommates is freaking out because there's a raccoon on the porch. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Raccoons are fucking everywhere. OH MY GOD he just fucking knocked on my door to tell me about it. Shut the fuck up. Oh my GOD he's still talking about it to everyone else! I hate him.
I hate foreign people that speak English but pretend they don't. I fucking know you do...
I hate people that hate cats. There is no fucking reason to hate cats. Unless you're a big stupid cat-hating fuck. Cats know you hate them and they can see ghosts and don't think they can't ask the ghosts to fuck with you. They can, and you're about to get fucked with by ghosts. Cats are not only the greatest pets ever, but they are also fucking Satanic freaks and they'll fucking kill you.
I hate people that took a foreign language in high school, and list it in their Facebooks as one of the languages they speak. You fucking suck at that language and you probably suck at English so shut the fuck up.
I fucking hate Hummers and if you drive one your soul is a swamp full of burning hags that also drive Hummers. This means that the souls of those hags are also swamps full of burning hags who have the same kinds of souls. Get it? Your fucking soul is an infinite swamp of burning hags that goes on and on forever so basically you are fucking terrible.
I hate it when you're doing laundry and your dad comes in and he's like, "What the fuck are you doing here!??! Go away!!!" and then you have to leave and your laundry is still in the fucking washing machine.
I hate it when you're hungry as fuck but not eating is so in right now so you can't eat.
I hate it when people with hideous makeup offer to do your make up and you so badly want to say, "If I wanted to look like a teen mom stripper working the graveyard shift at Sizzler I would just ask a person who actually is all of those things to do it for me." But that would be "mean" so you just say, "Omg makeup looks so bad on me lol you don't have to." And then you have to laugh and smile and pretend that you don't actually want to punch this bitch so hard that the frozen shrimps at Sizzler fall out of their shells.
I'm all out of hate at the moment (jk, I'm just bored of doing this) so I'm going to go watch Patti Stanger fuck the souls out of Jews and gay people. She probably hates black people too but I don't think I'm allowed to say "black people" on the internet.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A List of Wonderful Things!
Let's make a list! Here are some wonderful things:
When you walk up to a group of people talking shit, and there's a 50/50 chance they'll stop talking, which means they're talking about your fucking annoying ass, or they'll be like, "OMG LISTEN TO THIIIIISSSSSS!!!!!" which means it's about someone else, and the latter happens.
When you quit your job without any warning, and they send you $400 in the mail.
When you don't have an iPhone, and don't want an iPhone, and everyone's like "OMGGG iPHONE 5!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS GOD IT'S FINALLY HEEEERE JERK OFF!!!!!" but really it's just the iPhone 4S (who the fuck even knows what that means) and you're like bahahahahhaaa!!!!!
When you smoke cigarettes sometimes, but some people are actually addicted to them, but you're not, and they're like, I FUCKING HATE BEING ADDICTED TO THIS!!!!!! and you're like haha same. But you're not.
When you're driving and someone cuts you off and your road rage skyrockets and you're like FUCK NOOOO!!!!!!!!!! but then you pass them and see that they're actually just some super zoned-out old asian lady and you're like, awwww it's fine.
When you're in love with some guy and his girlfriend is ugly as hell.
When you're on an airplane and the turbulence is fucking out of control and everyone is freaking out and you sit there hella calm and then suddenly you stand up and raise your hands and yell, NOW YOU ALL BELONG TO MEEEE!!!!!!! I've never actually done that, but it would be so fucked up.
When someone super pretty tells you that you're super pretty, but you know they're only saying it because they want you to say it to them, and you just say, "Thank you" and walk away.
Haha, I got a littler happier just thinking about that one.
In conclusion, I'm a total cunt. Good day.
When you walk up to a group of people talking shit, and there's a 50/50 chance they'll stop talking, which means they're talking about your fucking annoying ass, or they'll be like, "OMG LISTEN TO THIIIIISSSSSS!!!!!" which means it's about someone else, and the latter happens.
When you quit your job without any warning, and they send you $400 in the mail.
When you don't have an iPhone, and don't want an iPhone, and everyone's like "OMGGG iPHONE 5!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS GOD IT'S FINALLY HEEEERE JERK OFF!!!!!" but really it's just the iPhone 4S (who the fuck even knows what that means) and you're like bahahahahhaaa!!!!!
When you smoke cigarettes sometimes, but some people are actually addicted to them, but you're not, and they're like, I FUCKING HATE BEING ADDICTED TO THIS!!!!!! and you're like haha same. But you're not.
When you're driving and someone cuts you off and your road rage skyrockets and you're like FUCK NOOOO!!!!!!!!!! but then you pass them and see that they're actually just some super zoned-out old asian lady and you're like, awwww it's fine.
When you're in love with some guy and his girlfriend is ugly as hell.
When you're on an airplane and the turbulence is fucking out of control and everyone is freaking out and you sit there hella calm and then suddenly you stand up and raise your hands and yell, NOW YOU ALL BELONG TO MEEEE!!!!!!! I've never actually done that, but it would be so fucked up.
When someone super pretty tells you that you're super pretty, but you know they're only saying it because they want you to say it to them, and you just say, "Thank you" and walk away.
Haha, I got a littler happier just thinking about that one.
In conclusion, I'm a total cunt. Good day.
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