The Shamcademy Awards

I just saw the Oscar nominations list. First of all, I would like to make it known that, just like everything else in the world, I don't give a Sim's digital shit about the Oscars. It's unfortunate, because I totally give a shit about movies. I love them. I mean, except the ones that I hate. But I'm a flannel-wearing, skinny-jeans-lovin', Ray Ban-sportin' film freak. Like I said, it's unfortunate.

But after reading this latest list of nominees, I must say I actually feel a little better. It's official that these awards are actual horse shit.

If "The Tree of Life" wins an Oscar, then I should win an Oscar for wiping my own ass.

You're telling me that all I have to do is steal footage from a telescope, digitally insert dinosaurs into a forest, and have some creepy child whisper "MOTHER....FATHER....BROTHER....COUSIN-I-MADE-OUT-WITH-AT-THAT-WEDDING-ONCE-BUT-ITS-OKAY-SHES-LIKE-MY-SECOND-COUSIN-IM-PRETTY-SURE" and then add scenes of Sean Penn walking through a fancy building.

THAT'S NOT A FUCKING MOVIE. That's some asshole jacking off all over a fancy digital camera and then rubbing his nips in our faces while we watch it.


Fuck. That.


But I don't know. Maybe I'm just bitter because "Step Up 2 the Streets" never got the nomination it deserved.


I'm still reeling...

THE FUCKING SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is football, so I automatically don't give a shit.

I'm not a genius, but I'm probably smarter than the entire cast and crew of "Glee" put together, and I still do not know the first fucking thing about football.

My knowledge of football is as follows:

Not even a month ago, I asked the question, "Why is it called football if no one ever kicks the ball?"

Apparently, that's not true. As if any of you assholes knew that either. I don't care how many eighth downs it takes to get to the seventy-sixth yard line, and I never will. I tried though, okay? I have been coached one-on-one by at LEAST twenty giant, burly, bearded, greasy, disgusting men about the rules and the overall point of football.

It's just not going to happen for me. I can deal with basketball, and baseball is wonderful. Tennis is a mockery of athletics and hockey is even worse. If this mated with this, hockey would be born. Don't even get me started on hockey.

Anyway, I shouldn't keep talking because all of the 49ers just pulled up in a party bus to take me to Vegas.

I don't give a shit about their sport and they still like me better than all of you!

Holla.

It's Cold In California

I blame New York.

Gay Shit

As most of us know, the word "gay" has become somewhat of a chameleon. It has acquired a rainbow of meanings, if you will (gay pun intended). In fact, the meaning of the word "gay" has become so versatile, it can literally be used as a stand-in for every single fucking adjective in the entire English fucking language (because, literally, English has become a language that takes actual, proper language and says, "FUCK YOU LANGUAGE AND RULES!" and fucks it in the ass).

Thanks to our fuckery of all things lingual, the word "gay" can be used in place of:

happy, homosexual, lame, awesome, shit, fuck, crap, dammit, ugly, weird, uncomfortable, overjoyed, full of penis, untruthful, sneaky, religious, energetic, good at dancing when you shouldn't be, bad at dancing when you shouldn't be, political, what your parents are being, what your boss is being, what your friends are ALWAYS being, what your internet connection is being, what your cat is being, what your girlfriend is being, what all dogs are being all the time and everyone that likes them, what your boyfriend is being, the songs the radio is playing, the way your manicure looks, the way your school picture looks, what your friend was when he shattered your favorite bong, what beer is being when it gets you too drunk, what beer is being when it doesn't get you drunk enough, what people are that don't invite you to hang out with them, what people are that you don't invite to hang out with you, fire, when it burns something you didn't want it to burn, water, when it gets something wet that you didn't want it to get wet, black people, white people, Asian people, Middle-Eastern people, British people (always), traffic, any sport you don't understand or aren't good at, any subject in school you suck at, pedestrians if you're driving, drivers if your walking, cyclists, if you're anyone

AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

In high school, there was this gay guy that called me a cunt all the time. One time I said, "How would you like it if I called you a fag?" After he finished slapping me in the face for saying "fag" he said, "I can call you a cunt because you know you're not a cunt, but I am a fag so you can't call me that."

First of all, that makes no fucking sense, and second of all, I AM a cunt, so fuck that guy. And so, Hilary Duff, shut the fuck up and let me call stuff gay if I want to.

And if you are gay, no offense lol.

Leave Me A Jew

Somebody help me the fuck out. Did I miss something? Well, obviously I did because when the fuck did it become a law that hot Asian chicks can only date gangly, white Jewish nerds?!?!?

I mean, I love nerds. They are smart and witty and always know how much to tip, so I don't have to try to figure it out and embarrass myself. And they always never drink so you know you have a ride home if you pass out at the party. And if you pass out naked, you know you won't get raped. I mean, your boobs might get touched, but that's probably it.

But I'm not talking about any white nerds, and I'm not talking about any hot Asian chicks. I'm talking about the Stephen Hawking (and no, you sick fucks, I'm not making a disability reference, I mean he is literally the biggest nerd science has to offer) of white guys and the if-Lucy-Liu-and-Bai-Ling-had-a-baby of hot Asian chicks.

Why are they all dating each other?? Maybe I'm a little edgy because it's my goal in life to marry a rich Jew, and now it looks like I'll have to fight a bunch of hot Asian chicks to the death to achieve this goal, and you know those bitches are all ninjas underneath their big fake boobs and Hello Kitty backpacks! Yes, I went there. Chia Pet. Tamagachi. I'm racist. Wanna fight?

So, listen. I love all races (except British [is that a race?]) but STEP THE FUCK OFF MY JEWS. Or at least leave me one.

Arigato gozaimasu, bitches.

ATTENTION, ANYONE!

I accidentally posted a link to this blog on my Facebook (lol jk I'm a fucking attention whore) and I sincerely wanted to apologize to anyone that clicked on it. I have family and friends that probably would have loved going through life never reading the awful shit that comes out of my brain.

Anyway, if you were offended by this blog and now hate me, I'm sorry (but I'll survive) and if you read this and liked it, you're probably going to hell.

This Shit Needs to Stop

I've been trolling political websites all day and I have to say, this shit needs to stop (HEY that's the title of the post! [fucking obviously which is why I fucking called it that]{these parentheses need to stop}).

I'm not the sharpest screwdriver in Ann Coulter's torture-porn toolbox, but I'm not exactly retarded either. So naturally, I came to a genius realization about current events and politics in general.

People really need to fucking stop blaming political parties for shit. At this point, there are no longer republicans or democrats, liberals or conservatives. The new terms for each party should just be Douchefucks and Bigger Douchefucks. We're all douchefucks, but some of us are just bigger douchefucks than others and that's the naked truth.

 I mean, I would consider myself a liberal, but even I was offended at some of the nutbaggery and fucktardisms these liberal fucks were vomiting into their articles. One of which was, "republicans hate black people". Good point. Except someone should probably let the black republicans know that so they can either switch over to being democrat or get some white transplants, WHICH BY THE WAY we would totally have the science to provide if those goddamn black-hating republicans would let us use stem cell research!!!

Wow, new realization. Republicans strictly banned stem cell research to keep black people black so they could not be republicans. Those sneaky bastards.

Anyway, the point is, there are probably some republicans that hate black people. Just as I'm sure there are some democrats that hate black people. Which doesn't even make sense because how the FUCK can you dislike Mekhi Phifer? Who is waiting for me in the shower right now. Basically, I don't care what race you are, if you're a fucking asshole, I will categorize you as such.

Another fun topic is abortion. Like, get out of my fucking uterus, Rick Santorum. You don't fucking belong in there and neither does a baby. I mean, there's an easy way to solve the problem. Just round up all the dudes in the world and rip off their nuts. Now no one can get pregnant! No more abortions! And also no more reproduction so the human race will slowly die off and we'll never have to fucking talk about politics again.

I've gotta go get in the shower with Mekhi before the hot water runs out, but please hear me, human race.

Just die. We'll all be better off.

It's Monday As FUCK Right Now

I was born today. Don't worry about what year, just know that I'm still young and vibrant as shit. I know everyone in the world is probably still slungover from new years, so I won't take up much of your time. As a tribute to myself on my birthday, which is a very special day because I'm the only person in the world that has one, I have created a brief list of ten reasons why I am so awesome.


1.   I have been told by almost everyone I've ever met that I'm disgusting.
2.   I kind of look like a boy, but I still get shit tons of ass.
3.   I am Irish, which means my ancestors were raped by Vikings.
4.   My grandma was on a billboard for her assisted living home wearing a velour tracksuit (which really is more of a reason why SHE was awesome).
5.   I'm really good with kids, but I'm not a pedophile.
6.   I once met a very famous comedian at a bar in New York and, after a short conversation, asked him why he wasn't funny in real life.
7.   The only reason I started wearing a bra was because some girl told me I should.
8.   Same thing with shaving my legs. Different girl, though.
9.   When I was little, my dad was doing yard work outside and asked me for some juice. I brought him Metamucil.
10. Nobody knows this, but I'm actually really, really nice.


Thanks for all the birthday wishes, faithful readers(nobody)!