AND NOW

I will create a bedtime story (since it's bedtime) based only on objects I see around me RIGHT NOW. It's going to be awful.


Once upon a time, there was a hideous wardrobe. The wardrobe looked just like any other wardrobe (except more hideous). But alas, it was not! This wardrobe was a very special wardrobe. Inside of it, there was a tiny man named Lusty McFaggins. He spoke only Spanish, which made no fucking sense, because he was a total ginge.

Lusty was a magical man. If a person were to stumble upon Lusty, he would have to grant that person three wishes. The first two wishes would come true without a hitch, leaving the wisher jumping for joy. The third wish, however, would always go horribly wrong. There was nothing Lusty could do about it.

For hundreds of years the wardrobe lay in a forest, half buried under layers of dirt and piles of shit from the woodland creatures shitting all over it. And so, Lusty slept away the days, hoping to one day be able to grant wishes again.

One day, a little boy named Hymenface was going to his grandmother's house. She was a walrus. It was her birthday and he was bringing her Vitamin Water Zero and a swivel chair that was missing a wheel. Luckily, for Hymenface, he was extremely handsome, so the fact that he gave the worst gifts EVER didn't really make people hate him. He was just too hot. He was like if all the dudes from Twilight were put into a blender with all the dudes from Step Up 2 The Streets (dance skills included) blended up and then baked into a cake with sugar and cream and frosted with cream cheese frosting and then covered in maple syrup and bacon, then served to you on a pile of money. So yeah. Hymenface had some game.

Anyway, I forgot what I was talking about. So Hymenface, the dancing vampire bacon-cake of sex, walked through the forest to bring his grandmother the walrus her gifts. Suddenly, his sexy shoe got stuck in a fat pile of shit.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed. Hymenface was super dramatic and also hated shit.

He bent down to clean his shoes off with the handkerchief his girlfriend knitted for him just before she died of AIDS (because fuck it, I guess) and suddenly saw a brassy knob.

He turned the knob and sifted through piles of shit, which I guess he suddenly decided didn't bother him all that much, and opened up a little door.

A three foot tall piece of flaming hot ginge flew out of the wardrobe and landed on Hymenface's face.

"AAAHHHHH!!!!!!! GET OFF MY FACE PLEASE!!!!!!!" Hymenface was very polite and always said please, even if he was being homosexually attacked.

"SUCIO!!!!! EN MI BOCA!!!!!!" Lusty McFaggins was very hungry. Hymenface didn't speak Spanish.

"Bro, I swear to god. Get off of me or I swear on my grandmother's walrusy moustache I will taze you."

Lusty complied and climbed off of Hymenface.

"Thank you very much. Now grant me my wishes." (HOW DID HE KNOW ABOUT THAT?!?!? I don't give a shit I'm getting sick of writing this so I'm speeding this garbage along.)

Lusty McFaggins did his wish granting dance (which looked a lot like this fucking cuntrag godddd I love people)

"Right," said Hymenface, "I wish my girlfriend was still alive."

POOF! She appeared next to him.

"Cheerio!" she said. She was a dumb whore from England (duh, it's England) and her name was like, Tabitha or some awful shit. Hymenface didn't even know her name, he just liked fucking her because she was the only person that would never tell anyone how much he cried during sex.

"Great," he said. "Now, I wish my dick wasn't so messed up looking."

I forgot to mention that part. His dick was pretty much normal, except the tip of it looked like this.

So Lusty took care of that too. Tabitha was pretty relieved. Like...wow.

So then it was time for the third wish.

"I wish for world peace and such. Hop to!"

The ground began to shake. Then, Hymenface's dick exploded and in it's place grew a very angry old man. Hymenface screamed in horror. Tabitha's boobs fell off and in their place grew two yams. It doesn't sound that bad, but really think about it. Yams are a totally weird shape and it would suck to have them for tits.

Then the universe exploded and everyone was forced to spend the rest of eternity in hell listening to live versions of Matt & Kim songs while giving Ann Coulter a spray tan.


Barf.

Here's Something

Writing a blog is too hard. And this isn't even a real blog. It doesn't have any useful information on it. So I would like to try and pick a theme for my blog!

Political? Can't do it. Politics are way too hilarious right now. The jokes write themselves, so it's a waste of time for anyone to try to make jokes about them.

Food? Fuck that. I'm tired of blogs that are like, "Hey!! Want to eat like a fucking pig and never gain weight? Here are some disgusting recipes for brownies and pie with no calories and they take days to make!"

Like, are you joking? I'm reading a blog about losing weight by eating, so obviously I'm a lazy fuck who can't even be bothered to work out once in a while. Do you really think I'm going to slave over a hot stove just to make some nasty wheat germ muffins that taste like dick, when the grocery store down the street is filled with glorious boxes of Entenmann's factory made fudgepies?? No!

Then there are the food blogs written by anorexic chicks who pretend they eat a shit ton when they really don't. They put up pictures of fat homemade pizzas and blondie bars and they're like, "Hehe! Be careful if you make this recipe, I totally couldn't stop myself and ate the whole thinglol!!" They didn't. But they tell you that so that you'll eat it and be fat and disgusting and they're still Skeletor and you're like DAAAAMN YOU HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?? Well, they're not eating. Fatty.

Music? Can't do it. Every time I find good music, I never tell people about it. It's mine.

So I guess this blog can't be anything but what it is. What is it? Fuck off.

And With One Photograph...

Justice was served.

VIVA VIETNAM

Ho. Ly. SHIT.

Yesterday was the best day of my life. No, it wasn't because everyone in Manhattan turned into pillars of salt (damn you, Lot's nameless wife, for giving me false hope!) It was because every single customer that came into my place of business was from fucking Vietnam. Those ladies know how to hustle a bitch!

Well, not really. I mean, they hustle their tits off, but it doesn't really do any good because everything they say is batshit insane. Example!

There was a sign in the front of the store that said, "All sale items an additional 30% off!" FABULOUS. But leave it to these bitches to read the sign as, "EVERYTHING FOR FREE, LOOT THIS SHIT LIKE THE VIKINGS YOU ARE!"

The Vietnamese Hustlers come in and grab pants and shirts from all over the place and then they come up to me and our conversation goes as follows:

VH:  You give dis me I take fo free!
ME:  Um, that's not even what the sale is...
VH:  Okay, buy one get one free!
ME:  No, ma'am. If it's already on sale, then it's 30% off-
VH:  Okay, you do for me 70!
ME:  Ma'am, it's 30-
VH:  Okay, but this has hole! You do 50% off!
ME:  Ma'am, that hole is for your arm-
VH:  NO!!! BIG HOLE!! SEE???
ME:  -it's called a sleeve-
VH:  Okay, no problem, you do sale I take fo free.

Now, remember, everything the Vietnamese Hustler said is going to sound kind of like this. But not totally, because that guy is starting to whip up some Indian cab driver shit into that accent cake mix and it is not sounding super delicious. But that's the basic idea.

The reason I love these ladies is because they hustle and hustle and try to rip buttons off and get zippers stuck all in the name of a good bargain. But in the end, we never give in, and these bitches drop so much fucking money anyway it's like it never even mattered if it was on sale or not.

Keep shopping, ladies.

Having A Bad Day?

Sucks. But I'm not, so naturally I'm partaking in my favorite activity, laughing at stupid famous people. And now I'm going to try to answer this age-old question: "Why the FUCK do these people wear this shit!?" Here goes.

My only guess is that this bitch is the spokesperson for In N Out's new clothing line. Ronald McDonald has a new trick to rub his chicken nuggets.

Here's Christina Aguilera at an event to raise awareness about Vaginal Rabies, a new strain of rabies that causes vaginas to attack dicks. The dress she's wearing, besides being ugly as fuck, is made out of Trojan Battle Condoms, a new kind of condom which protects your dick from rabid vaginas.

One of my most favorite dumb whores, obviously on her way to a beach funeral.

She looks fine to me.

Here's Jennifer Love Hewitt bravely raising awareness for adults with severe brain damage. Something she does every single day. Because, according to this picture, she has it.

At first I thought this was a picture of the half digested chicken bone my cat threw up last night. But apparently it's Leann Rimes, seen here doing her best impression of a baby bald eagle that hatched out of its egg too soon and has a life of struggles, social banishment by other eagles and prosthetic wings to look forward to. Also, her face is ugly.

Actually, Bret Michaels looks pretty hot here.

Anyway, people are fucking idiots.

Just Got A Flu Shot

My fucking arm hurts!!! Anyway, I was just thinking about how bad I feel for people who have like, horrible sex things. I don't mean like, having a small dick. You can make up for that in other ways (just kidding, you can't). I mean like, if your vagina is fucking hideous. Or if your balls smell like a homeless guy's makeshift potty (his pants). That's just fucking terrible. And there's nothing you can do!

That's all.

Serious Things

Seriously. I can go for days hating on all the good-for-nothing turds in this world and throwing around the fuck word like a cheerleader at a football sex party, but sometimes I like to be serious.

A lot of terrible things happen in this world. In fact, I'm just going to go ahead and say that 99% of everything that happens in this world is a terrible thing. 1% of the things are made up of pretty good shit that makes life worth living.

If you think about it, life is really just one big endurance test. Each day is just another brick in the wall of shit that God has created for us all. And when we finally get to the end of the road, we find that it's really  just a circle jerk of ancient fucks sitting in their wheelchairs cackling about who made it through and who pussied out along the way.

I know that doesn't sound like the most exciting place to end up, but it is what it is. I just hope that everyone who reads my blog (mom) will remember that it's okay to have moments where you fucking hate life. Because life is literally the worst thing in the world. Now that you know this, you can just look forward to that 1% of sweetness that helps you keep your shit together.

Now get that smile back on your face and go listen to some Radiohead and keep telling yourself that their new album isn't absolute horse shit.