AND NOW

I will create a bedtime story (since it's bedtime) based only on objects I see around me RIGHT NOW. It's going to be awful.


Once upon a time, there was a hideous wardrobe. The wardrobe looked just like any other wardrobe (except more hideous). But alas, it was not! This wardrobe was a very special wardrobe. Inside of it, there was a tiny man named Lusty McFaggins. He spoke only Spanish, which made no fucking sense, because he was a total ginge.

Lusty was a magical man. If a person were to stumble upon Lusty, he would have to grant that person three wishes. The first two wishes would come true without a hitch, leaving the wisher jumping for joy. The third wish, however, would always go horribly wrong. There was nothing Lusty could do about it.

For hundreds of years the wardrobe lay in a forest, half buried under layers of dirt and piles of shit from the woodland creatures shitting all over it. And so, Lusty slept away the days, hoping to one day be able to grant wishes again.

One day, a little boy named Hymenface was going to his grandmother's house. She was a walrus. It was her birthday and he was bringing her Vitamin Water Zero and a swivel chair that was missing a wheel. Luckily, for Hymenface, he was extremely handsome, so the fact that he gave the worst gifts EVER didn't really make people hate him. He was just too hot. He was like if all the dudes from Twilight were put into a blender with all the dudes from Step Up 2 The Streets (dance skills included) blended up and then baked into a cake with sugar and cream and frosted with cream cheese frosting and then covered in maple syrup and bacon, then served to you on a pile of money. So yeah. Hymenface had some game.

Anyway, I forgot what I was talking about. So Hymenface, the dancing vampire bacon-cake of sex, walked through the forest to bring his grandmother the walrus her gifts. Suddenly, his sexy shoe got stuck in a fat pile of shit.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed. Hymenface was super dramatic and also hated shit.

He bent down to clean his shoes off with the handkerchief his girlfriend knitted for him just before she died of AIDS (because fuck it, I guess) and suddenly saw a brassy knob.

He turned the knob and sifted through piles of shit, which I guess he suddenly decided didn't bother him all that much, and opened up a little door.

A three foot tall piece of flaming hot ginge flew out of the wardrobe and landed on Hymenface's face.

"AAAHHHHH!!!!!!! GET OFF MY FACE PLEASE!!!!!!!" Hymenface was very polite and always said please, even if he was being homosexually attacked.

"SUCIO!!!!! EN MI BOCA!!!!!!" Lusty McFaggins was very hungry. Hymenface didn't speak Spanish.

"Bro, I swear to god. Get off of me or I swear on my grandmother's walrusy moustache I will taze you."

Lusty complied and climbed off of Hymenface.

"Thank you very much. Now grant me my wishes." (HOW DID HE KNOW ABOUT THAT?!?!? I don't give a shit I'm getting sick of writing this so I'm speeding this garbage along.)

Lusty McFaggins did his wish granting dance (which looked a lot like this fucking cuntrag godddd I love people)

"Right," said Hymenface, "I wish my girlfriend was still alive."

POOF! She appeared next to him.

"Cheerio!" she said. She was a dumb whore from England (duh, it's England) and her name was like, Tabitha or some awful shit. Hymenface didn't even know her name, he just liked fucking her because she was the only person that would never tell anyone how much he cried during sex.

"Great," he said. "Now, I wish my dick wasn't so messed up looking."

I forgot to mention that part. His dick was pretty much normal, except the tip of it looked like this.

So Lusty took care of that too. Tabitha was pretty relieved. Like...wow.

So then it was time for the third wish.

"I wish for world peace and such. Hop to!"

The ground began to shake. Then, Hymenface's dick exploded and in it's place grew a very angry old man. Hymenface screamed in horror. Tabitha's boobs fell off and in their place grew two yams. It doesn't sound that bad, but really think about it. Yams are a totally weird shape and it would suck to have them for tits.

Then the universe exploded and everyone was forced to spend the rest of eternity in hell listening to live versions of Matt & Kim songs while giving Ann Coulter a spray tan.


Barf.