Emotions

I have them. It hurts sometimes!

Haha, just kidding. I dgaf about feelings (especially yours).

I went to court today! It was actually pretty fun. I mean, I knew nothing bad would happen to me, because I'm awesome, and even though I'm a raging cunt on the inside, I have some kind of disgustingly charming face or something, because people tend to like me. Ha!

So I went in and basically didn't really think about my own case (it's too awesome to write on the internet, but just trust me, It's awesome) so I just watched all the other weirdos go up and talk to the judge before me. I felt like Lindsay Lohan! Except less hungover from redbull vodcoke (see what I did there?) and carpet munching. Everyone in the courtroom was basically an illegal Mexican who got in trouble for driving without a license.

SIDENOTE:

Did you know that you can literally get away with fucking ANYTHING as long as you pay??

NONE of these sucios had a motherfucking driver's license, spoke a word of English, NOR didn't buy all their clothes from WalMart (no judgement) (jk, FUCKTONS of judgement) and none of them had JACK SHIT HAPPEN TO THEM.

The judge was like, "Yo, pay 100 bucks and get the fuck out of here".

Are you serious. You don't need a fucking driver's license to drive!??!?!?

WHY THE FUCK DID I TAKE THE PERMIT TEST!!!!!!!!!!!?????????1111111111ELEVEN

Anyway, I forgot what I was even going to say after that because I'm so amazed at the glory of America.

Dude.

Just found out that the word "deli" is short for "delicatessen" and not short for what I originally thought, "delicious".




FUCK.

THAT.

Movie Night!

What's that? Why do I watch terrifying movies late at night by myself, you ask?

Because I'm a fucking IDIOT.

I am literally the dumbest bitch on the planet (proof of this: I originally wrote "dummest" then went back and fixed it ARE YOU SERIOUS??) Yes I am. GRAPENUTS I am so scared right now. But at this point, I'm about two movies into this marathon of blood-curdling, pain-reflex-feeling, absolutely-not-sexy-timing mindfuck of a movie marathon (yes, I know I said marathon twice, because I fucking meant to and also back the fuck off) and I'm so scared shitless I might as well just watch more and not shit my pants (haha get it because I'm shitless!)

Right now I'm watching Nosferatu to lighten the blow (awesome sidenote: the score to this movie makes me think of "My Little Pony") WHO'S SCARED NOW BITCH?? I am. I'm fucking scared.

I'm thinking about what a person thinks about as they sit down to write a screenplay scarier than the thought of drinking a gallon of vaginal discharge from some smelly lady's poon. Ha, I'm going to write a screenplay about that later. Anyway, if I were going to write a scary movie, it would probably be about a little girl. Because little girls are FUCKING TERRIFYING. Not little boys though. Because boys are cool and girls in general are just awful anyway.

So it would be about a little girl who is possessed by a demon or something and wanders around the town at night doing...well, something terrible. Like, turning the whole town's supply of drinking water into vaginal discharge!

Obviously I'm still on this vaginal discharge kick. Not sure why, but it looks like it's here to stay. You know what? That's just awful! Forget the demon possessed little girl. Here's my screenplay. We all wake up one morning and all the water in the world has become VAGINAL DISCHARGE!!!!!

That would be awesome because girls would all just be like, "Ehh, whatever. This is my life every day swimming around in my own panties." But all the guys would be FUCKING HORRIFIED. Their lives would forever be smothered by the evil vagina-spew that they try so hard to avoid, even though they are constantly putting their fucking faces right in the line of fire (and we love you for it).

Hilarious. I'm going to be famous.

Bad News

Turns out, the only person who reads this blog (mom and sometimes dad [it's fine, they're one person]) actually stopped reading it YEARS AGO.

The convo:

ME: Mom. Why haven't I been getting texts from you and/or dad that say things like, "Hi! You wrote a blog! Good for you! Love, Dad"? Oh, by the way, you reeeaaaaally don't need to sign off because I fucking know it's you because...well...that's how fucking cellphones work. CRAZY.

MOM: Oh, honey. I don't read your blog anymore. It's straight up disgusting.

That's love.

In other news, one of my roommates has explosive poop soup and I can hear it through the walls!

Sometimes I just feel so small and insignificant in this universe. Because, really, aren't we all just a hardened ball of pee in God's cat's litter box?

I think the real question here is: does God scoop us out himself? Or, does he have one of those automatic litter box robots that rakes us into bags?

Thanks for listening, no one.

AND NOW

I will create a bedtime story (since it's bedtime) based only on objects I see around me RIGHT NOW. It's going to be awful.


Once upon a time, there was a hideous wardrobe. The wardrobe looked just like any other wardrobe (except more hideous). But alas, it was not! This wardrobe was a very special wardrobe. Inside of it, there was a tiny man named Lusty McFaggins. He spoke only Spanish, which made no fucking sense, because he was a total ginge.

Lusty was a magical man. If a person were to stumble upon Lusty, he would have to grant that person three wishes. The first two wishes would come true without a hitch, leaving the wisher jumping for joy. The third wish, however, would always go horribly wrong. There was nothing Lusty could do about it.

For hundreds of years the wardrobe lay in a forest, half buried under layers of dirt and piles of shit from the woodland creatures shitting all over it. And so, Lusty slept away the days, hoping to one day be able to grant wishes again.

One day, a little boy named Hymenface was going to his grandmother's house. She was a walrus. It was her birthday and he was bringing her Vitamin Water Zero and a swivel chair that was missing a wheel. Luckily, for Hymenface, he was extremely handsome, so the fact that he gave the worst gifts EVER didn't really make people hate him. He was just too hot. He was like if all the dudes from Twilight were put into a blender with all the dudes from Step Up 2 The Streets (dance skills included) blended up and then baked into a cake with sugar and cream and frosted with cream cheese frosting and then covered in maple syrup and bacon, then served to you on a pile of money. So yeah. Hymenface had some game.

Anyway, I forgot what I was talking about. So Hymenface, the dancing vampire bacon-cake of sex, walked through the forest to bring his grandmother the walrus her gifts. Suddenly, his sexy shoe got stuck in a fat pile of shit.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed. Hymenface was super dramatic and also hated shit.

He bent down to clean his shoes off with the handkerchief his girlfriend knitted for him just before she died of AIDS (because fuck it, I guess) and suddenly saw a brassy knob.

He turned the knob and sifted through piles of shit, which I guess he suddenly decided didn't bother him all that much, and opened up a little door.

A three foot tall piece of flaming hot ginge flew out of the wardrobe and landed on Hymenface's face.

"AAAHHHHH!!!!!!! GET OFF MY FACE PLEASE!!!!!!!" Hymenface was very polite and always said please, even if he was being homosexually attacked.

"SUCIO!!!!! EN MI BOCA!!!!!!" Lusty McFaggins was very hungry. Hymenface didn't speak Spanish.

"Bro, I swear to god. Get off of me or I swear on my grandmother's walrusy moustache I will taze you."

Lusty complied and climbed off of Hymenface.

"Thank you very much. Now grant me my wishes." (HOW DID HE KNOW ABOUT THAT?!?!? I don't give a shit I'm getting sick of writing this so I'm speeding this garbage along.)

Lusty McFaggins did his wish granting dance (which looked a lot like this fucking cuntrag godddd I love people)

"Right," said Hymenface, "I wish my girlfriend was still alive."

POOF! She appeared next to him.

"Cheerio!" she said. She was a dumb whore from England (duh, it's England) and her name was like, Tabitha or some awful shit. Hymenface didn't even know her name, he just liked fucking her because she was the only person that would never tell anyone how much he cried during sex.

"Great," he said. "Now, I wish my dick wasn't so messed up looking."

I forgot to mention that part. His dick was pretty much normal, except the tip of it looked like this.

So Lusty took care of that too. Tabitha was pretty relieved. Like...wow.

So then it was time for the third wish.

"I wish for world peace and such. Hop to!"

The ground began to shake. Then, Hymenface's dick exploded and in it's place grew a very angry old man. Hymenface screamed in horror. Tabitha's boobs fell off and in their place grew two yams. It doesn't sound that bad, but really think about it. Yams are a totally weird shape and it would suck to have them for tits.

Then the universe exploded and everyone was forced to spend the rest of eternity in hell listening to live versions of Matt & Kim songs while giving Ann Coulter a spray tan.


Barf.

Here's Something

Writing a blog is too hard. And this isn't even a real blog. It doesn't have any useful information on it. So I would like to try and pick a theme for my blog!

Political? Can't do it. Politics are way too hilarious right now. The jokes write themselves, so it's a waste of time for anyone to try to make jokes about them.

Food? Fuck that. I'm tired of blogs that are like, "Hey!! Want to eat like a fucking pig and never gain weight? Here are some disgusting recipes for brownies and pie with no calories and they take days to make!"

Like, are you joking? I'm reading a blog about losing weight by eating, so obviously I'm a lazy fuck who can't even be bothered to work out once in a while. Do you really think I'm going to slave over a hot stove just to make some nasty wheat germ muffins that taste like dick, when the grocery store down the street is filled with glorious boxes of Entenmann's factory made fudgepies?? No!

Then there are the food blogs written by anorexic chicks who pretend they eat a shit ton when they really don't. They put up pictures of fat homemade pizzas and blondie bars and they're like, "Hehe! Be careful if you make this recipe, I totally couldn't stop myself and ate the whole thinglol!!" They didn't. But they tell you that so that you'll eat it and be fat and disgusting and they're still Skeletor and you're like DAAAAMN YOU HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?? Well, they're not eating. Fatty.

Music? Can't do it. Every time I find good music, I never tell people about it. It's mine.

So I guess this blog can't be anything but what it is. What is it? Fuck off.

And With One Photograph...

Justice was served.