That question isn't for me. I already know I'm not an asshole. I'm the best bitch in the world. That question is for you, because you might not be as confident in your unassholeness as I am. I've compiled a list of things I believe make a person a severe asshole. If any of the following bitch traits pertain to you, then congratulations. Go fuck yourself.
You have worn a Juicy sweatsuit that was all the same color.
You have worn a Juicy sweatsuit.
You roll your Uggs down so the sheep side shows.
You wore Uggs with your Juicy sweatsuit.
You have a truck.
There is a flag on your truck.
Your truck has wheels as high as my tits.
You tried to have sex with me in the back of it.
Someone makes a joke and then you repeat it because it's just as funny when you say it.
You have the remote and you're supposed to fast forward through the commercials, but you keep seeing ones you like and stopping it and forcing everyone to watch them. If you like commercials, you're just an asshole. Straight up.
You graduated from high school over two years ago and you still go say hi to your old teachers when you're in town. THEY DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER YOU.
You think it's cute when you look stupid. It's not. You're stupid.
You have bangs. Nobody looks good with bangs. You don't have "a great face for bangs".
Then again, if you're an asshole, I guess you automatically have a great face for bangs.
You're a girl and you wear a hat.
You're a boy and you wear a hat that isn't a baseball cap.
You're under 50 and you have a moustache.
You have any kind of facial hair that isn't considered "normal". I don't even know you and I know you look horrible.
Your hair is currently blonde and you weren't born blonde. If you weren't born a blonde then stay the fuck away from blonde hair.
Same goes with red hair.
You read books on public transportation. I know you're not actually reading. Fuck you.
Your glasses have round frames. Give me a fucking break.
Do I really have to mention fixed gear bikes?
Yeah. I do. If you ride one, you might as well kill yourself now. Or a car will kill you. Or I will kill you.
You're a boy and you wear tank tops.
You're a boy and you wear shorts above the knee.
You're a boy and you wear Toms.
You're a boy and you wear these.
You wear suits with Converse. That wasn't even cool when it was cool.
You wear black nail polish.
You cry in public, then when someone asks you if you're okay, you pretend you didn't realize anyone noticed and say, "Oh, sorry, no, no, I'm fine. Thanks." Then you try to stop crying and act strong. Go fuck yourself. Strong people don't cry in public.
I can't do this anymore. I suddenly want to kill everyone I know.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
LEAVE MY BRAIN ALOOOOONE!!!!!
I keep going to the gym and seeing totally hot guys (haha, I go to the gym) and I am always about to walk over and start stretching my butt in their eyeballs when suddenly I realize it's some freaky dude from high school who decided to ditch the eyeliner, the "ironic" (not) Hello Kitty pants and the mannish, blue-haired girlfriend who wears pajama pants to school with Etnies and socks with ice cream cones on them.
Yeah. You know that guy exists.
Anyway, I find this incredibly RUDE. If you're going to become hot, you should wear a sign on your head that says, "ATTENTION BITCHES: Do not be fooled by my good looks. I am a fucking creep."
Now I'm going to have to carry around those signs and staple them to the next hot ex-goth nutbag fuckwit I see at the gym.
STOP MESSING WITH ME.
Yeah. You know that guy exists.
Anyway, I find this incredibly RUDE. If you're going to become hot, you should wear a sign on your head that says, "ATTENTION BITCHES: Do not be fooled by my good looks. I am a fucking creep."
Now I'm going to have to carry around those signs and staple them to the next hot ex-goth nutbag fuckwit I see at the gym.
STOP MESSING WITH ME.
Annoying
I've been in California for almost a week now, and I'm annoyed.
No one is rude, no disgusting hobos yell at me for having bangin tits and, most disappointing, the gutters are NOT littered with Georgi bottles.
In fact, I don't even think they make Georgi on the west coast.
DAMN. SHAME.
What's the point of waking up every morning if your nostrils don't burst into flames upon exiting your apartment with the sweet hot lava smells of Georgi? Since the hobos in New York have no teeth, they have no barrier to keep that angelic smell trapped in their mouths. Oh well.
I'm also disappointed because the sidewalk doesn't smell like baked urine over here. There are no dog poop landmines waiting to explode on some asshole hipster's shoes. Preferably ones that look like this.
I have to stop now because looking at that picture made me want to kill myself.
No one is rude, no disgusting hobos yell at me for having bangin tits and, most disappointing, the gutters are NOT littered with Georgi bottles.
In fact, I don't even think they make Georgi on the west coast.
DAMN. SHAME.
What's the point of waking up every morning if your nostrils don't burst into flames upon exiting your apartment with the sweet hot lava smells of Georgi? Since the hobos in New York have no teeth, they have no barrier to keep that angelic smell trapped in their mouths. Oh well.
I'm also disappointed because the sidewalk doesn't smell like baked urine over here. There are no dog poop landmines waiting to explode on some asshole hipster's shoes. Preferably ones that look like this.
I have to stop now because looking at that picture made me want to kill myself.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
NOT HAVING IT
DUANE READE ON THE CORNER OF 42nd AND LEXINGTON.
You are so effing small that I can't go through the aisles without getting caught behind a marginally fat and incredibly slow fat/slow person. You have eight cashier places and only have two cashiers at the most. They aren't nice, either.
You are the only place I can use my credit card that isn't a Starfucks (I refuse) and yet you still make me late to all my appointments with your evil ways!
I hate you. I'll see you tomorrow. Good day, Sir.
You are so effing small that I can't go through the aisles without getting caught behind a marginally fat and incredibly slow fat/slow person. You have eight cashier places and only have two cashiers at the most. They aren't nice, either.
You are the only place I can use my credit card that isn't a Starfucks (I refuse) and yet you still make me late to all my appointments with your evil ways!
I hate you. I'll see you tomorrow. Good day, Sir.
Things You Should Know
Spaghetti is the best food in the world but you look disgusting eating it. Only eat spaghetti alone.
You're not cute when you're drunk. You only think you are.
When your mom makes a sex joke, you can say, "Mom! Gross!" When your dad makes a sex joke, leave the room. Now.
Make great friends and then never hang out with them. That way, they'll never figure out that they actually hate you.
On a first date, you should ONLY eat Indian food, Mexican food or fast food. That way, you'll definitely get diarrhea and have to leave suddenly and that way, you won't have sex with him and he won't think you're a slut.
If you actually take that advice to avoid having sex on the first date, then you are definitely a slut and he will find out and break up with your slut face.
Never buy clothes that you "hope" to fit into someday. You never will. You're fat.
Never give people flowers. Then they have to waste their time filling a vase with water and putting them in it and when they die (the flowers, not the person, idiot) they have to deal with them which is even more fucking annoying because the flowers get all dry and crumble all over the place and the person has to deal with that too. Basically, if you give someone flowers, you're really just giving them future chores and that person will forever think of you as fucking annoying.
Cats are better than dogs so shut the fuck up.
'Don't ask, don't tell' makes no fucking sense. War is the gayest thing ever and if you go to war you're gay.
Milkshakes are the best. The aftermath is the worst.
If you're still pissed about the Holocaust and you weren't even there, shut the fuck up.
On that note, I'm going to get a milkshake. Goodbye.
You're not cute when you're drunk. You only think you are.
When your mom makes a sex joke, you can say, "Mom! Gross!" When your dad makes a sex joke, leave the room. Now.
Make great friends and then never hang out with them. That way, they'll never figure out that they actually hate you.
On a first date, you should ONLY eat Indian food, Mexican food or fast food. That way, you'll definitely get diarrhea and have to leave suddenly and that way, you won't have sex with him and he won't think you're a slut.
If you actually take that advice to avoid having sex on the first date, then you are definitely a slut and he will find out and break up with your slut face.
Never buy clothes that you "hope" to fit into someday. You never will. You're fat.
Never give people flowers. Then they have to waste their time filling a vase with water and putting them in it and when they die (the flowers, not the person, idiot) they have to deal with them which is even more fucking annoying because the flowers get all dry and crumble all over the place and the person has to deal with that too. Basically, if you give someone flowers, you're really just giving them future chores and that person will forever think of you as fucking annoying.
Cats are better than dogs so shut the fuck up.
'Don't ask, don't tell' makes no fucking sense. War is the gayest thing ever and if you go to war you're gay.
Milkshakes are the best. The aftermath is the worst.
If you're still pissed about the Holocaust and you weren't even there, shut the fuck up.
On that note, I'm going to get a milkshake. Goodbye.
Sky Drama
UGH! I have to go on a crosscountry flight at 7am tomorrow. With my cat. Feel bad for me! And also, don't sit next to me. That means I automatically hate you.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
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