Is It Pronounced "Goatee"?

Well, it is now. I finally listened to that Gotye shit everyone's been cumming all over.

I don't get it.

I guess maybe I'm just not cultured enough to appreciate the music, but it turns out I'm actually way more cultured than anyone else and I'm actually the only one that understands that goatee fucking sucks.

In other news, I just got this hot new underwear but it had these annoying bows on it so I cut them off.

I Don't Smoke Weed

But you can if you want.

Anyway, I know that all of you are seriously struggling to not be fucking retards, so I thought I'd provide some guidance to help you out.

How To Catch Yourself Being A Retard and/or How To Tell If You're Doing It Right:

You just painted your nails black.  

CAUGHT

You still have a hard time choosing between they're, there and their.  

CAUGHT

You just listened to any Katy Perry song all the way through.  

CAUGHT

You just made an illegal U-Turn.  

YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT

You enjoy watching "Citizen Kane".  

CAUGHT

You never went to see "Watchmen" because you already read the book and didn't give a shit.  

YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT

When put on the spot, you don't know left from right.  

YOU'RE FINE. THAT SHIT IS HARD.

You write people confrontational emails instead of actually confronting them, and don't even bother to correct your fucking typos.  

CAUGHT

Your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't "get" you and it makes you sad.  

CAUGHT

You are a college student and you don't think you have a drinking problem.  

CAUGHT

You don't think you're a retard.  

CAUGHT

You cut yourself, then tell people about it.  

CAUGHT. REAL GANGSTERS DON'T CUT AND TELL

You do "cleanses".  

CAUGHT. YOU'RE FUCKING DISGUSTING AND DON'T EVER USE MY BATHROOM

You hear dubstep and you're like, ugh I don't like dubstep.  

CAUGHT. EVERYONE FUCKING LIKES DUBSTEP AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT IN PUBLIC WE ALL KNOW YOU LIKE IT IN YOUR FUCKING BEDROOM WHILE YOUR PARENTS ARE SLEEPING

You know for a fact that cats are better than dogs.  

ANYONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO PICK UP SHIT WITH THEIR HANDS IS OBVIOUSLY DOING IT RIGHT

Unfortunately for you, that is only the beginning of a never ending list of retardisms that you undoubtedly possess. And if you're doing any of it right, I'll see you in hell.

Okay, Bitches.

IT'S FUCKING RAINING.

Stop.

I'm done with this. I'm moving back to New York. I am excited!

I'm bored.

QUESTION

Does the phrase, "make it rain" mean to throw money all over a stripper? Or does it literally mean you jizz so much it's like it's raining? Because if you do, stop. Nobody needs your jizz. And if you do get somebody pregnant, you WILL take her to the abortion clinic, and you WILL pay for the abortion.

Otherwise, legally, you are this.


Yay!

Feisty

Is how I am feeling. What in fuck's name does feisty even mean? Can you conjugate it? Feistful? Feistworthy? Feistival? Whatever. Who the feist cares.

Okay. Let me tell you some secrets that will make you a better person and make people like you more.

Secret Number ONE:

It is very possible to look beautiful when you wake up after you stayed up too late and slept with your makeup on.

Step one: be me.

That's it.

Secret Number TWO:

Go to the gym. I mean, that's just like...we all should. Also, fart while you're there. Nobody knows it's you.

Secret Number THREE:

Don't fuck dudes. Just stop. Get to know them, THEN fuck them, THEN stop hanging out with them. That way, instead of being a disgusting slutbag snatch juice factory, you'll be the heart-breakin', homewreckin', "one that got away". That's what you want to be. Unless you're a stupid bitch. In that case, just keep doing what you're doing. Every city needs a stupid bitch.

Secret Number FOUR:

I don't know, just stop being rude. Nobody probably likes you because you're rude.

Natural Selection

I've been thinking a lot about New York, recently. Surprisingly, it hasn't been causing my discharge to be full of razorblades. No, I have actually been thinking of New York...well, rather fondly.

Haha, I just realized that the word "fondly" is the same spelling as if the word "fondle" could be used as an adverb. Don't touch me wif dem fondly hands, Grandpa!!

Ah, yes. Well, maybe that doesn't make sense. But I'm still pretty, so you WILL listen to what I have to say.

ANYWAYZZZZZZZZZZ

I have been thinking about the fun times in New York. The careless, breezy days. Sun shining, birds chirping, and me. Just sitting in the warmth of it all, soaking in the poetry and-

Lolfuck , I am totally kidding.

LAWD, FUCK NEW YORK AND ALL HELL IT HATH WROUGHT UPON GOD'S CHERUBS.

New York is full of scum-sucking road whores (thanks, Janis) and no, it was not "too much" for me to live there and I was not "unhip" and "just didn't fit in".

Well, maybe I wasn't hip enough for NY. Maybe I didn't fit in. But guess what?

Not fitting into with the rest of the LATFH larpers only means that I am going to live past my twenties.

I think when Darwin came up with the idea for Natural Selection, he and his FWB Nostradamus were chuckling the shit out of their b-holes thinking about how much hipsters were going to suck in the future and they they would be naturally selected to rot in Rick Santorum's ass cavity for the rest of eternity.



And yes. I am a hipster. I know that.

But oops, now I can't be. Because I said that.

YAYLOOPHOLES!!

But you know who is a hipster?

This chick.


THAT FUCKING GUUYYY!!!


I'm gonna get that picture made into custom toilet paper. This guy's gonna wipe my butt with his face.


That's friendship.




I hate New York.

Good News, Nobody!

Well, I guess it's unfair of me to keep calling you nobody, since you've got to be at least one person (Mom). But anyway, I just found out something sweet.

I looked at the traffic to my blog, and it turns out that the google search that brings most of you here (after the title, of course) is:

"japanese vagina juice peeing moist".

Who would have thought??? This is better than being famous! I have achieved something I only ever dreamt of. People listen to me and know who I am simply because they're fucking around on Fandango, trying desperately to avoid "The Hungry Hungry Hippo Games", and "The One With James Franco's Brother" and realize they've got a strong hankerin' for some Japanese piss porn.

How many of you can say that?





Alright, I guess your column did have its raunchy times, Mom...