So It's Been A Few Days

I'm a lazy bitch. What do you want from me?

I'd like to talk for a moment about bicycles. A bicycle is a practical invention that allows humans and carnival animals to glide from point a to point b with ease and agility.

THAT'S ALL THEY FUCKING ARE.

To all you bicycling fucks out there, this may come as a shock right to your asshole, but when you dress up in your neon condom suit and mount your steed, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER.

You bicyclists better stop acting like your asses own the road. Because NEWS FLASH:

I am in a car. I hit you, you die. My life goes on. Yours is over.

I do happen to have an adorable little anecdote for this situation.

A few weeks ago, I was driving in my car (something a normal person with normal clothing would do) when a gaggle of gaywads (I never use that word but the alliteration was too awesome) came "cycling" down the street, joyously preparing to cut me off.

Little did those fucktwats know, when I see the "SHARE THE ROAD" sign, I take that to mean, Yeah! You bikefuckers! Your bikes can't take up the whole road and you WILL share it with me, nutsacks!

So I said to myself, fuck it, those shiteaters are still a good deal of road away from me. I can make my turn without hitting any of them.

And I did.

But not before one of them yelled from his metal donkey, "Nice move, asshole!"

Well, I appreciate a good rude comment, but not from someone riding a motorcycle's retarded, inbred sister.

I said, "It would have been nicer if I'd hit you!"

This made the neon popsicle angry. He flipped me off and said, "Whatever, man!"

What.

A.

Pussy.

The best part?

As another one of the Cycling Cindys passed me by, he shouted to me, wind whipping his helmet hair, "That was actually a pretty good burn!"

And they were gone.

I'll never forget that pussy that tried to be a dick to me. I'll also never forget the one cool guy that ever rode a bike, and acknowledged that his friend was a pussy.

Other than that, if you get your fashion advice from Yo Gabba Gabba and don't have the balls to drive a car, get the fuck out of my way. Because I will share the road with you. I'll share the road with you so hard, you'll become part of the fucking road.

Pedal on, pussies. Pedal on.