I'm Bloggin!

I haven't blogged in a long time. If you really must know why, it's because I was in a pretty crazy accident and I've been in the hospital for a couple weeks. I'm starting to go through physical therapy to regain the use of my legs. It's a slow and painful process but I'm awesome so I'm sure it will get better.

Haha! Not really, but why the fuck does it matter because no one reads this. And I already know I'm going to hell so shut the fuck up.

I was watching Chelsea Lately the other night. That bitch is seriously the most hungover, drunk-faced, evil bitch from hell and she's closer to death than your great grandparents that are still alive for no fucking reason.

I don't care if bitches drink everyday. I really don't. But don't just get wasted, throw a few NOT FUNNY insults at innocent people and call yourself a fucking comedian. Comedy is a sacred art. In fact, it is the only form of art that actually gets off on having people fuck with it. Fuck around with a Hasselblad and call yourself a photographer?

FUCK NO!

You'll get handlebar-mustache-raped by every hipster photojournalist in the world faster than you can say, "Your girlfriend is anorexic and dresses like a lesbian paperboy and is fucking HIDEOUS in the face, but I guess you don't notice because she lets you fuck her in the ass because she has such fucking low self-esteem!"

Jesus christ. Everyone in Brooklyn should seriously die. Unless I like you. You know who you are. And some of you probably think I like you and I really hate you. Haha!

Anyways...

Comedy is a true art form that should be fucked with on the daily. Comedy is when a parent films their fucked up child and exploits the video tape on Youtube, no doubt forever ruining their child's life.

Comedy is when two douchefuck fratboys give an old hobo vodka and film him acting like a fucking idiot and then make a website out of it. It's fucked up, yes, but I know those guys are going to a special room in hell where they'll eternally have their buttholes fondled by their own grandmas, so I feel like I can give them a break while they're still alive.

Comedy is when somebody farts. I'm sticking to that for the rest of my life.

However, there are some ways to fuck with comedy that is NOT OKAY, DAWG.

Example:

Chelsea Handler is a piece of shit, unfunny old leather handbag. She sits on her ass in that ugly set they call a talk show and fumblemouths all of her unfunny lines written on flashcards because she's too drunk to fucking talk, then she proceeds to make fun of the other people on the show, who are about seventeenfuckillion times funnier than she is, and her fucking retard audience laughs because she scares the shit out of them.

Chelser Handler is a piece of shit that needs to either kill herself, or sew up her vagina and get the FUCK off TV. TV is my best friend in the whole fucking world, and if you get on it and do nothing but bitch about how funny you are flap your disgusting, used-and-abused labia flags all over my face, I have no use for you and I feel like trapping you into a hot air balloon filled with twenty Rick Santorums and-


Holy shit. I just had a seizure because that last part is actually the most fucked up thing I've ever imagined...

So now that we've figured out where all my worst enemies go when they die, I think I'm ready to stop writing.