I Miss You

That "I miss you" was directed at no one in particular. It wasn't directed at you, or you, or whatever, but regardless, I TOTES MISS YOU.

What am I talking about?

Don't fucking worry about it.

Look. I've been in New York for about a week and a half. It's been fucking delicious. What is wrong with me? I hated this godforsaken wasteland of shit for such a long time, and now I feel like picking up my phone and sexting with it. What the fuck? I wanna go down on New York. I wanna tickle the nuts, or labia or whatever New York might have down there. I wanna pleasure the shit out of New York and have some kind of pizza with it, or like, steak or something. Or, whatever you have with a sexual date. I want to fuck the crap out of this city. I want to make sex on it. I want to kill it and wear it like a fucking burka. Kill me.

God.

Does this even count as a blog post?

Shoot me in the face.

I KNOW it's been a while. Chill.

I'm sorry. I gotta talk about this fucking election.

IT

IS

A

SHITSHOOOOOOOOW.


Let's all admit it. Obama is (mostly) black and sexy as fuck. He's got a voice like like the 'Chocolate Rain' guy and we'd all vote for him even if he wanted to legalize meth and make the legal drinking age 55.

He's got my vote, and who cares why. Now, let's talk about Mittens.

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE.

Notice how that was phrased as a question, but I did not add a question mark. HENCE, it is not a question ("Yeah, hence!" - Anna Faris) it is a fucking statement, because not only do I not know who the fuck he thinks he is, neither does he. FACT.

Listen, Mitt Romney doesn't know his ass from the hole in his mom. (Ha! See where I took that? Offensive!) The only redeeming quality he has (literally) is that he got made fun of on '30 Rock'. That makes you somewhat/hella cool, as far as I'm concerned. That being said, I hope he dies.

Honestly, I'm mad tired, so I don't want to get into all this shit. Romney is equivalent to a quadriplegic, gay figure skater with harlequin ichthyosis, and therefore slightly unqualified to tell me what to do with my fuck-parts. I can't wait til he passes a law that makes female circumcision mandatory.

Who needs a clitoris?!

It's Not You, It's Me

JK fuckers, it's you!

Everyone got their panties in a twist because they thought that my previous blog post was like, me resigning from blogs. (sidenote: by "everyone" I mean a couple sexy people, plus Nobody).

It wasn't. Maybe my words are confusing, but probably you're all just idiots.

I love you all so much, I would never abandon you. You should know that!

I'll talk more later, but right now I am too annoyed to type. Lol?

LET'S DO THIS

I can't even remember the last time I posted. My apologies to my faithful reader, Nobody. Love you man.

Anyway, I'm going to change that and officially make my last blog post RIGHT NOW.

Yaaaayyy...!?

A lot of things are going on right now. The Olympics, presidential campaigning, I'm pretty sure the Iraq war is still happening, and last but not least, I had a dream last night that all my fingernails came off.

Let's talk about all of these things!

THE OLYMPICS:

Shove it up your ass. If my parents had forced me to do gymnastics immediately after falling out of my mom, I'd be really fucking good at it too. But they didn't, and I got to grow up to have a cool body that normal people are supposed to have. Go me!

THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:

If Mitt Romney becomes the president of the United States, this is what I will do...

First, I will buy a lot of guns, because that's what Mitt would want. Seriously. OoohhhfuckI'mgoingintoatangentttaaahhhh-

Think about it. If every single person in that movie theater had a gun, NOTHING BAD WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

One person having a gun is bad, because they might kill somebody. But if EVERYONE has a gun, then everyone will obviously just kill that person before that person kills anyone.

IT MAKES SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, after I buy all the guns, I will build a raft out of them and sail to England. If any sharks try to eat me while I'm rafting, I'll just shoot them! Lol.

Once I arrive in England, I will bitch slap the shit out of Prince William and Princess Kate. Or Dutch and Dutchess of...what, Sweden? Hungary? Hogwarts? Narnia? More like Douche and Douchess! I'm funny dammit and you WILL laugh at what I say, Nobody!

I want to bitch slap them very badly, mostly because they are so incredibly unimportant to me, and I am tired of seeing their bland, fat-free cream cheese on a stale bagel faces take up magazine covers that should belong to Angelina Jolie's matterhorn of a forehead and the glamorous gems of Teen Mom. This is AMERICA. Don't subject me to the Royal Butterfaces of Britain. Do not want.

You know, speaking of important current events, let's talk about this Kristen Stewart and Roger Patterson bullshit.

First of all, there's no way those pictures are real. Like, I'm not even famous and I still wouldn't cheat on somebody in public. And I'm an idiot! You can't convince me that the most famous stoner in the world is THAT dumb of a bitch.

Plus, I kind of like her. I feel like if we ever hung out, she'd laugh at all my jokes. So that pretty much does it for me.

Plus (again) I seriously don't remember a single fucking scene from Twilight with Roger in it. That ain't good, is it? Granted, I wasn't really paying that much attention, because I kept saying hilarious things about how artistic the film was because it was so funny watching all the kids in the theater get so mad at me and I'm a terrible person. But yeah. When you costar in a movie that's only about you and one other person, if I don't remember you being in it, you pretty much suck.

Anyway, in conclusion, Mitt Romney is AMAZING and I totally hope he wins so that I can finally be positive that killing myself is a good idea.

THE WAR IN IRAQ:

Should be over. If it isn't. I think maybe it is. But the important thing is that it was a really good war with lots of really positive outcomes. Sheesh, conservatives have all the answers for everything!!!

Okay, that was bitchy. I'm sorry conservatives, but let me end this debate RIGHT NOW.

Look, I get it. Liberals don't have all the fucking answers either. We aren't perfect and we don't know how to fix all the horrible problems that the US has created for itself. But think about this:

Liberals generally want to do things that allow people to have rights and get on with their lives.

Conservatives generally want to do things that make people's lives super difficult for no reason.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. ARGUE WITH ME ON THAT. OH WAIT, YOU CAN'T BECAUSE I'M RIGHT. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Besides, sure Obama didn't rescue the US from being terrible (thanks GBush) but he didn't make it more terrible, which seems to be unavoidable for certain choughconservativerepublicanchough presidents.

OMG if I keep thinking about politics I'm going to get diarrhea. What was the other thing on my list?


Oh, right. My dream! I dreamed that all my fingernails fell off and I was genuinely unhappy about it.

Is It Pronounced "Goatee"?

Well, it is now. I finally listened to that Gotye shit everyone's been cumming all over.

I don't get it.

I guess maybe I'm just not cultured enough to appreciate the music, but it turns out I'm actually way more cultured than anyone else and I'm actually the only one that understands that goatee fucking sucks.

In other news, I just got this hot new underwear but it had these annoying bows on it so I cut them off.

I Don't Smoke Weed

But you can if you want.

Anyway, I know that all of you are seriously struggling to not be fucking retards, so I thought I'd provide some guidance to help you out.

How To Catch Yourself Being A Retard and/or How To Tell If You're Doing It Right:

You just painted your nails black.  

CAUGHT

You still have a hard time choosing between they're, there and their.  

CAUGHT

You just listened to any Katy Perry song all the way through.  

CAUGHT

You just made an illegal U-Turn.  

YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT

You enjoy watching "Citizen Kane".  

CAUGHT

You never went to see "Watchmen" because you already read the book and didn't give a shit.  

YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT

When put on the spot, you don't know left from right.  

YOU'RE FINE. THAT SHIT IS HARD.

You write people confrontational emails instead of actually confronting them, and don't even bother to correct your fucking typos.  

CAUGHT

Your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't "get" you and it makes you sad.  

CAUGHT

You are a college student and you don't think you have a drinking problem.  

CAUGHT

You don't think you're a retard.  

CAUGHT

You cut yourself, then tell people about it.  

CAUGHT. REAL GANGSTERS DON'T CUT AND TELL

You do "cleanses".  

CAUGHT. YOU'RE FUCKING DISGUSTING AND DON'T EVER USE MY BATHROOM

You hear dubstep and you're like, ugh I don't like dubstep.  

CAUGHT. EVERYONE FUCKING LIKES DUBSTEP AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT IN PUBLIC WE ALL KNOW YOU LIKE IT IN YOUR FUCKING BEDROOM WHILE YOUR PARENTS ARE SLEEPING

You know for a fact that cats are better than dogs.  

ANYONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO PICK UP SHIT WITH THEIR HANDS IS OBVIOUSLY DOING IT RIGHT

Unfortunately for you, that is only the beginning of a never ending list of retardisms that you undoubtedly possess. And if you're doing any of it right, I'll see you in hell.

Okay, Bitches.

IT'S FUCKING RAINING.

Stop.

I'm done with this. I'm moving back to New York. I am excited!

I'm bored.